I have never been married, but I have been a single mother to a wonderful son for 13 years. In 8 months, at age 40, I will become a wife and a stepmother to my fiancé’s children. As I look forward to holding the matriarchal role in our blended family of 7, I am certainly a woman who understands the nuances behind the saying, “sometimes life just doesn’t turn out the way we expect.”
As a believer and one who deeply loves the Lord, I have had my fair share of questions. I often say that doubt deepens faith so long as you remain constant in the conviction that God is good. I rest in the fact that God is good, and I try to find peace and wisdom through God’s Word, especially in this time when my future look so new and different from the past two decades of my life. That future is also filled with changes and questions about my role as a wife and stepmother. Blending families is not easy and my journey is just beginning.
The book of Proverbs has always been a favorite of mine. When I was fourteen, Proverbs became the first book of the Bible I read in its entirety. It was easy for me to digest one proverb at a time. I find myself gravitating towards the book of Proverbs as I enter this stage of my life. Verses such as Proverbs 19:20 “Listen to advise and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom for the future,” urge me to speak with other women who have been in similar roles. Yet there is still a tension that I wrestle with.
My journey through life has been unconventional. I imagine any man or women who finds themselves a single parent or living within a blended family can relate. Spending most of my life within the church, I am very familiar with common proverbs which relate to families, parenting, women, and children. Verses such as Proverbs 1:8 are very familiar: “My child, listen when your father corrects you. Don’t neglect your mother’s instruction. What you learn from them will crown you with grace and be a chain of honor around your neck.”
Yet the question I keep asking myself now is, how does this proverb apply when these children are not actually mine? I will be the matriarch of my household, the wife of my husband, but not the mother of his children. Do I simply forgo the role of parent and consider myself a friend? How do I honor the mother who came before me while still staying true to my own convictions in my own household? Sometimes my expectations will be different from the expectations previously set. Each parent will face different obstacles as each family comes with their own set of hurts, wounds, and triggers. It will take time as a stepparent to build relationships and develop trust with my stepchildren. I expect many ups and downs.
In my particular situation I am building trust with older children, some of whom are still learning to operate in a world with divorced parents, let alone a world with a stepparent. My fiancé has been present as some of them have been diagnosed with various disabilities and wrestled with mental health. I am just learning about what any of this means. It is important for me to acknowledge that I may not know these children well and I may not always know what is best for them. I expect that there will be many times when I ask myself, will anything I do make a difference? Does my role matter? How do I apply these proverbs and walk with wisdom and discernment? Sometimes if I’m honest, it feels overwhelming, like the Word of God does not provide much direction to a woman like myself.
As I wrestle with these questions and ask whether God has anything specific to say to stepparents, I realized I needed to ask myself some more basic questions. James 2:8 says, “If you are really fulfilling the royal law according to the Scripture, ‘you shall love your neighbor as yourself,’ you are doing well.” Perhaps instead of tearing through the Proverbs looking for answers, I need to take a step back and ask, “What does it look like to be a neighbor to children who will never call me mom?”
The wonderful wisdom we find in Proverbs does not point us to specific answers, but towards living a life in accordance with the Holy Spirit. James 3:17 says, “But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.” I have lived my entire adult life and my entire parenting life doing things my own way. And I like my way! Sometimes my way will be best and other times it will not be. I will be the one that needs to shift. This will be hard. I will constantly be asking God for guidance in my new space and praying that I walk with wisdom. I do believe that my relationships with my stepchildren will grow if I can take responsibility for my own actions and be conscious of what is difficult for myself as well as what may be difficult for the children. If I truly believe that loving my neighbor is part of our greatest command, then it is vital that I recognize who my neighbor is. It may not be just my friends and acquaintances but the family under my own roof.
When I visit my literal neighbor’s house I give a helping hand, I clean up after myself, I respect their boundaries. When I spend time with my neighbor my actions should be marked by friendship, cooperation, and trust. I do not head over to my neighbor’s and demand friendship or respect. The best neighborly relationships are mutual and grow over time. The same will be true with my stepchildren.
Being a neighbor to my stepchildren does not mean I will never be a disciplinarian, teacher, mentor, or authority figure. It simply means that I lead with love. Being a neighbor means that as I teach, discipline, and mentor, I operate first out of respect and care and consideration for those receiving my words and actions.
It It will be important for me to nurture my neighborly love for my stepchildren. This will look different for different families with different age children, but whether stepchildren acknowledge your parental role or not, they will always be watching your actions. What a great opportunity to be an example of neighborly love, loving others the way you yourself would want to be treated. As Christ came not to abolish the law but to fulfill it, it would seem that loving your neighbor may be one of the greatest proverbs of all.
